Why the “letting go” theory is so popular A simple—perhaps too simple—way to tackle a complex issue

#letthem is a hashtag that has recently become particularly popular on TikTok, so much so that some related videos rack up millions of views. The phenomenon is tied to the growing popularity of the so-called “letting go” theory, which went viral after the 2024 release of the book of the same name by American author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins, which quickly climbed the charts in the United States and subsequently in other countries as well, including Italy.

At the core of the approach is the idea that many people end up focusing more on what others could become; this attitude, however, often leads to forms of frustration, stemming from the almost always unsuccessful attempt to influence other people’s behavior. In this sense, Robbins’s proposal is as simple as it is radical: bringing the focus back to oneself.

What is the #letthem theory?

According to the author, adopting this practice leads to a kind of natural selection of relationships romantic and otherwise: those that are, so to speak, “toxic” tend to burn out on their own, while the others find a healthier and more “future-proof” balance. According to Robbins, it is therefore essential (barring natural exceptions) to accept the limits of one’s control over others, embracing a more individualistic attitude.

Not everyone, however, is convinced by the soundness of the premises of Robbins’s book, titled The Let Them Theory. The publication, in fact, fits squarely into the category of so-called “self-help” books, a genre that continues to perform very well both on social networks and in the publishing market: these are books that are easy to interpret and understand, promising quick solutions to common problems through methods that are rather simple and immediate. However, the issue is more complex.

The problems with the “letting go” theory

As noted by The Guardian, the idea that happiness depends primarily on emotional independence and a largely individualistic outlook is not fully supported by academic research in the field of psychology. On the contrary, numerous studies show that one of the most reliable ways to improve personal well-being is to strengthen healthy relationships with others, investing time and energy in cultivating the social dimension.

At the heart of the “letting go” theory there is nonetheless an intuition that is, in itself, correct - namely that learning to take care of oneself can also mean shedding expectations, pressures, and burdens that often arise in relationships with others. The core problem with the perspective supported by Robbins lies in its application in an indiscriminate way, subtly suggesting that happiness derives above all from greater emotional independence.

It is no coincidence that a meme has been circulating on TikTok for some time now, poking fun precisely at this individualistic drift and stating: «Right now, the most self-centered person you know is being told that they should think more about themselves».

Ultimately, the main problem with certain pseudo-therapeutic approaches, strongly centered on individuality and promoted on a large scale through books or social media content, is that guidelines that may be useful in certain circumstances are presented as universal rules, valid regardless of the individuals involved: it goes without saying that the dynamics of social relationships, as well as how they are managed, are far more nuanced.

Takeaways

- The #letthem hashtag has gone viral on TikTok thanks to Mel Robbins’ 2024 book *The Let Them Theory*, which encourages “letting others be” instead of trying to change or control them, shifting the focus back to oneself.

- According to Robbins, this approach promotes a natural selection in relationships: toxic ones tend to fade away on their own, while healthy ones grow stronger, fostering a more individualistic mindset and accepting the limits of one’s control over others.

- The theory fits into the popular self-help genre, offering simple and immediate solutions, but it is criticized for being overly individualistic and for not fully aligning with psychological research, which instead highlights the importance of healthy relationships and social connection for well-being.

- While the idea of taking care of oneself and releasing expectations toward others is valid in certain contexts, the risk lies in its indiscriminate application: TikTok already features memes that mock this egocentric drift, underscoring that relational dynamics are far too complex to be reduced to a universal rule.