5 alternative plots for Space Jam 2

We asked 4 nss sports' friends to imagine the plot of Space Jam 2, while the 5 contribution came directly from a special guest.

The Birdman

I would like to say that basketball played an important role in my life. I can tell you I was quite bad at it but, to make more dramatic, I’m going with “I was a promise, but once I torn my ligament and I had to quit”. All made up, uh? But it’s true I did love basketball. I used to buy a specialized magazine and one night, back in 1988, I stayed up all night with my friend Carlo to watch Larry Bird playing in the playoffs. Flash forward. It’s 1996 and I’m not so obsessed with basketball, more with rap. So I remember Space Jam more for Hit ‘Em High, wonderful song of the Golden Age’s Dream Team: Cypress Hill’s B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J and Busta Rhymes. 20 years later, I want to put together all this pieces, realign all the planets and imagine a Space Jam like this: Miami Heat’s Chris Andersen leaves basketball in order to finally become a UFC’s fighter. Pioneer and dreamer, after he became world champion fighting some cartoon monsters he will rise the level of MMA, integrating it with the ancient art of mind control. The rest of the movie would be like psychedelic tableaux vivants, filmed by Winding Refn, in which Birdman fights with his mind against artificial intelligences determined to conquer the world. Soundtrack by the Irish composer Johann Johannsson.

Make Trumpville Great Again

In a next future, the former President of the US Donald Trump, exiled from the world for his political failures, started an interplanetary business. His prime planet, some sort of gigantic Vegas called Trumpville, doesn’t work anymore. Terrestrials, because of some enlightened environmental policies, are rediscovering the pleasure to stay on their planet, without any need of interstellar journeys. So, Trumps decides to kidnap Ghali, the most beloved popstar in the world, in order to force him to play every night at Trumpville’s Cesar Palace for three years. Ghali understands that he can’t escape alone and he call all his old friends: Izi, Tedua, Sfera and Rkomi. Now he’s ready to challenge Trump and, remembering and old movie of his childhood, he offer him to challenge a basketball team, headed by Trump’s right arm Matteo Salvini, on the court. If he wins, he can go home. Salvini’s team is composed by genetically modified humans from Lombardia. This robo-athletes are super strong and the day of the game things are about to get bad for Ghali and his friends. But our hero, remembering the same old movie, plays his most powerful card. He call Goku, Dende, Doraemon and some Pokemon to help him and, thanks to their help, he defeats Salvini’s team. A furious Trumps decides to interrupt the game and declare Salvini’s win. It’s his planet and he can do it. But when everything seems almost over, the actual US’ President arrives on Trumpville: Beyoncé Knowels. She declares war to Trump, put him in chains along with Salvini and decides to convert the planet in a massive colony for terrestrial kids with black music, green spaces and basketball playgrounds.

15 p.m. – Space Jam 2 sequel

- «Damn the sequel! Let’s do a reboot, starting right after Obama’s mandate's end. Just like the original Space Jam, with MJ retiring from basketball. The presidency of Trump, who looks exactly like Space Jam’s villain, creates hate, confusion and discontent. The Americans claim “Bring Obama back” and the Looney Tunes, now forced by the government to play in anti-Islam infomercials, capture him. Don’t ask me how this thing should go on, I only know that there must be a basketball game, people screaming “Yes we can” and Frank Ocean playing I Believe I Can Fly».

- «Like Andy Warhol’s Empire, Space Jam 2 should be a eight-hours full-length film of Bill Murray cheering for Looney Tunes’ win like he did for the Chicago Cubs in the World Series».

- «If Nike would ever get the deal for shoes product placement, there could be a cameo with Kayne West fluctuating over the court, handing out Yeezy and motivating the Tunes Squad like he can. Mic dropping».

- «Finally emphasize Daffy Duck’s homosexuality (or his inner Tom Haverford) and dubbing him with Aziz Ansari’s voice. The villain should be Louis C.K. and Lola Bunny should be less babe/Jessica Rabbit and more Tina Fey».

- «During the promotional stage, be certain to have Lena Dunham’s quote praise. It’s look like she has the right to tell her opinion about every cultural product these days».

- «Strategic Oreo’s product placement for a cookie-made dunk tutorial video».

- «Half time dance by Drake. Or better, Drake’s gif at halftime. Or even better, Drake’s gif as a comment for every single play».

- «Shaq, Shaq and more Shaq. His laugh, his voice, but most of all his gigantic hands like divine intervention».

King of the Space

2017. The Nba season has just started, the title has flown back to Oakland. In Cleveland, a dejected LeBron James is torn by an obsession: he just can’t take his three NBA rings off his fingers. If it weren’t for his coach, he’d keep them on for training sessions, too.
One night, while exceptionally trying to remove it, one of his rings falls down the bathroom sink, swallowing LeBron at the center of the earth.
“What’s up, Doc? We need you ‘cause the Monstars want a rematch. Swackhammer’s son is a rapper, goes by Lil Swack. He’s seeking payback for that time we made his daddy cry.” Bugs goes on explaining how this time the aliens have reproduced lab clones of the best ball players in the league.
The game starts as expected.

Down by 45 at halftime, the mood inside Tune Squad’s locker room is at an all-time low. LeBron sees two team-mates picking on each other, and comes up with a solution: individual weaknesses. Sylvester grabs Games Darken’s beard, confusing him to the point that he begins playing defense against his own team. Similar fate for Deaf Hurry, whose ears start screaming at the sound of the rim hit by Daffy.
Bugs brings Crawl Gorge the universal almanac of surnames, which turns out a perfect trick. Muscle Bestlook, soon wiggled out of his bench chains, breaks the board with an explosive half-court dunk, and gets expelled by Porky Pig. Another monster sub, JR With, joins the match a bit late, and a bit distracted. He immediately hits on Lola Bunny, who hits back with the awaited “With who?”, leaving no choice to JR. “With you”, he replies, turning his shirt into a hammock for Lola, crowning his sweet escape. Marvin The Martian blasts the hi-fi speakers in the stands. Flamian Thrillard, whose real-life alter-ego is a decent MC, can’t help but jump on the beat, covering Lil Swack with rhyming insults, until the arrival of security staff.

The Chosen One is left alone against his worst nightmare, Kevil Durantula.
Out of nowhere comes a friendly face, Kyrie Irving. “I found this”, he smiles giving LBJ his third, missing ring. “But don’t forget: you are not those rings. They are you!”. The number 23 hesitates, but at last -and in lack of options- he throws down the winning three-pointer.
The TuneSquad rejoices, LBJ gets an ovation and goes back to being MVP after four, long years.